Most of us avoid thinking about the possibility that someday our parents
won't be self-sufficient. As a result, most families are unprepared to handle
changes in their parents' level of independence and medial stability. Here are
some ways to help you plan for the future and cope with the changes in your
loved ones.
The best approach is to talk with your parents and discuss "what ifs" before
a crisis develops. For example, ask your parents what their wishes would be
if they could no longer live at home. Explore options and devise alternate plans
because circumstances at the time of crisis may require flexibility. Having
flexible plans and an understanding what options are available can provide some
insurance against making unsatisfactory decisions that you man regret later.
Talking with parents about the future may not be easy, especially if you
and your parents have avoided frank decisions of emotion-laden issues. Look
for "natural" opportunities to talk such as, if your parent says "When
I die...," listen and encourage additional discussion. Other natural opportunities
for talking may be when an older friend suffers a health crisis, enters a nursing
home, or moves to the home of an adult son or daughter.
Don't discourage discussion by saying things such as "Don't be morbid," or "You'll
probably outlive all of us." Such statements show an unwillingness to discuss
difficult subjects. These phrases discourage open, honest talks about important
topics.
Sharing your emotions with other makes dealing with pain and difficult issues
easier.
Try to express your feelings to someone who will listen and understand Ð
a friend, family member, minister, or health care professional.
Remember that your parents are likely to have similar
feelings. It's difficult for most people who have
been self-sufficient to accept increased dependency. Any loss
of independence or control Ð qualities highly valued in our
society Ð can be a blow to an older person's self esteem.
Most older people will fight to keep their independence as
long as possible. Some will deny or mask their dependency.
They'll insist they can manage very well, will refuse any
offers of help, or will even attempt to control the lives
of other family members.
Encourage discussion with your parents about their lifestyle changes and
feelings of dependency. Sharing your feelings might help your parents express
theirs and encourage an honest discussion. Here are some potential conversation
starters.
"I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all these changes mother, I can imagine
that it's especially painful for you right now."
"Dad, I know you've always prided yourself on being very independent. I
feel it's very difficult for you to ask me for any assistance now that you can't
drive anymore. Is that right?"
Don't be in a big hurry to take your parents under your wing, however. As
long as mom has a mind, let her use it. As long as dad has legs, let him push
them to the limit. As long as she has ideas, let her develop them. As long as
he has opinions, let him express them. As long as parents have purpose, let
them be.
Too much loving protection can undermine an aging parent's self-esteem. Although
the desire to overprotect an increasingly frail parent is natural, it's usually
the last thing an older person wants or needs.
Strive for a balance in caring. Overestimating a parent's needs can be destructive
to both of you. If you assume responsibility for functions that your parents
can still perform Ð even if only with difficulty Ð you're likely to make
your parents angry, depressed, or more dependent. People resent forced dependency.
Be careful not to make promises such as "We'll never
put you in a nursing home, mom," or "you can always live with us,
dad." You may not
be able to live up to such promises. What may seem like the "best" solution
now may not be for the best five or ten years from now when your parents'
health or circumstances Ð or your own Ð change. Unfulfilled promises often
result in feelings of guilt, mistrust, and disappointment.
There is no easy or "right" solution to the problems people face concerning
their aging relatives. Each solution must be treated individually, after considering
the feelings, desires, and needs of everyone involved. Look at what is best
for all and don't let guilt guide decision-making, especially with your older
parent. Build on family strengths, then seek help when needed.
Becoming Better Educated and Aware
Though changes in parents in their later years may dismay you, you can ease
the transition by learning about life's stages. We need education to successfully
negotiate later-life transitions not only for aging kin, but also for ourselves.
Learning about aging is truly a family affair.
